Bleh...

I thought this semester would be different. I'm a senior! This is my last semester, it shouldn't be that hard, right? Now I feel like May is so far off. Commencement just can't come fast enough. Sure, I should be grateful that I have one more semester of learning ahead of me, and many challenges that I'll learn from. But after four years of this stuff I'm quite over it. I don't want to have to worry about my GPA and assignment grades for another semester. I can't wait to have a job and not have to worry about my weekends being full of homework and studying for exams and whatnot. Hrrm.
Well, I'm going to my first career fair this Wednesday, and I'm a little anxious about it. I've never been to one before, but it sounds like a great opportunity for me to be able to get my name and resume around to some big companies. I'm hoping to find a job in the Triad area, as well as an apartment, before the end of this semester. That's the goal.
Working part time really helps me to step out of student mode for a little while and just focus on my office work. It's sort of relaxing, actually. I've also taken on the position of SAPA (Study Abroad Peer Ambassador) within the business school this semester. I'll be one of ten students who will encourage other business students to go abroad. I understand that it's extra work and time out of my day, but I really enjoy talking to other people about my time abroad and how it changed me. I enjoy answering the deluge of questions that each student has, and relating to them how I felt before I went abroad and how I dealt with the changes once I got to Germany.
Ah...Germany. I've been having a lot of strong memories pop up lately of my time abroad. Europe has been calling to me ever since I left. The food, the cities, the time spent in trams. All of it. I miss it so much. It's getting harder to resist the urge to just pack up everything and go back. I'm definitely going to look into career possibilities on the other side of the pond.
Recently I've realized that I've been trying to plan my life a little too far ahead. I've been trying to plan what my dream job would be and how I'd get there, what my relationship with my girlfriend should be like after I graduate, and where I'd live. I've come to the conclusion that this semester is hard enough without all that floating around in my head. I'm going to be proactive and look for a job and housing, but I have to remember that life will work itself out, and that I should wait until after I graduate to plan some things.
Being proactive and driven can be a pain sometimes. :P

First week thoughts

The first week of a new semester is always full of anxiety. Looking at all of the syllabi for all of your new classes makes one feel very unprepared. But it's just the first week jitters. Sure it'll take a week or two to iron out the kinks in your schedule and figure out how to manage your free time, but it all falls into place at some point. That's what I keep reminding myself. Besides, I'm a senior. I've done this so many times now it feels like a way of...life.
That's something I'm ready to be done with for a little while: being a student. Don't get me wrong, I love learning, but after four years I'm just ready to take a little break. A break from all the homework and deadlines and group projects. I'd like to just focus on other things for a while. I'd also like to have the free time on the weekends to read a good book or just relax without the ever present feeling of my unfinished homework bearing down on me.
But that will all come with time, I guess. Right now I have to focus on this new semester and what I need to do to prepare myself for post-graduation. It's a scary thought to be finally getting out there in the real world, but I can't wait. My classes this semester will be very challening, but that is one thing I love about school. I love being challenged. This semester I'm taking a economics class entitled "Quantitative Analysis". We discussed the subject matter in class today and, to tell you the truth, I'm really excited about it. The professor said that this class will be invaluable to those wanting to go to grad school for economics and that the material covered in that class will be helpful in many other ways for an someone hoping to focus their career in economics. I'm stoked. I feel the same way about my other economics class: Intermediate Microeconomic Theory. I also have two German courses. The last two I need to complete my minor.
On the one hand I'm looking forward to finishing my undergraduate years, and on the other hand I still love being a student. I know I'll always love the academic environment. It feeds that need to learn. But everything good thing must come to an end. I'll still be learning after I graduate, just in different ways.

Can't wait.

I love Rilke

God speaks to each of us as he makes us,
then walks with us silently out of the night.

These are words we dimly hear:

You, sent out beyond your recall,
go to the limits of your longing.
Embody me.

Flare up like flame
and make big shadows I can move in.

Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror.
Just keep going. No feeling is final.
Don't let yourself lose me.

Nearby is the country they call life.
You will know it by its seriousness.

Give me your hand.


~ Rainer Maria Rilke ~

New Year

2010 is over. Man, what a year that was: studied abroad in Germany, took classes over the summer, faced my hardest semester yet in the fall (and came through with flying colors) and then traveled to Ohio for Christmas with my family. Our trip to Ohio was really fun, and I was able to reconnect with some people that I hadn’t seen in a long time. I was also able to reconnect with my brothers and sisters, whom I also hadn’t seen in a while. But with the family having to take three cars just to get us all up there, and with Dad still dealing with his broken ankle, it was a little bit of an ordeal. Also, not being around your significant other during the holidays is a bit of a bummer. But overall it was a great trip and it was good that we went. Now that the holidays are over I’m looking forward to a new semester…MY LAST SEMESTER! I love learning and I love UNCG, but after four years of the college life, I’m ready to give it a rest for a year or so while I tackle some other endeavors in my life.
At times the year seemed to drag on. Classes took forever; the months seemed to slow down near the end of my time in Germany. And yet here I am, looking at a fresh year ahead. Time flies when you’re having fun…and when you’re taking a full course load, and when you’re working, and, and, and. In my experience time always seems to fly no matter what situation you’re in. But that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy it. I’ve been trying to live in the moment more and more, and it seems to have paid off so far. I hope to continue that this year.
2011 is going to be an interesting 365 days, to say the least. I’m going to graduate from UNCG with a Bachelor’s in Economics, I’m going to start working (or interning, or something) and I’m also going to start looking into a graduate school that I’d like to attend in the future. I also don’t plan on moving back in with my parents after I graduate so I’m going to have to procure an apartment or something. Many big decisions will have to be made, but I feel up to the challenge. It is a bit nerve wracking though, knowing I have all of these decisions ahead of me. I love knowing things are going to play out in advance and being able to prepare. But if there is one thing that I have taken from my time in college it’s that you can’t possibly plan for everything. So I’m moving forward with my eyes open, ready to take advantage of any opportunities. I’m going to try and take advantage of the opportunities that come my way without thinking about it too much (some would say overthinking).
The last year has helped me to learn a lot about myself. Knowing that I’m going to finish college has helped propel me towards that. Coming to understand what I want to do with my life, what exactly I want out of life, has helped me to be more assertive with my own desires and wants. Also, understanding the kind of relationship that I have with my girlfriend, and where we want to take that relationship, has also helped me to better focus what I want to do with the life I have. Sometimes I step back and look at all of the decisions I am making, and the ones I’m considering, and wonder if I should really be thinking about these kinds of things. Aren’t these issues ones that I’m supposed to deal with after I’ve graduated, or a little later on in life? Then I realize that my life is at the point of “a little later on” and I need to focus on what’s important and focus on the big issues ahead. Reality checks come in handy.
So anyway…I’m looking forward to a year of progress and a lot of change. It’ll be a little difficult, but change always is. I plan on posting a lot more to this blog, too. That sounds kinda cheesy, doesn’t it? Sounds something like a new year’s resolution to stop smoking or run a marathon or something. It might work, it might not. But when big changes come, I’ll be sure to write about them. That’s a definite.

The balancing act

This semester is just flying by. I can’t believe it’s been a month since I last updated this blog. It felt like just yesterday I had uploaded my last entry. The weeks move at an unprecedented speed. Monday arrives and I wake up the next day to find that it’s Friday, and all of the deadlines for my big projects and papers have moved steadily closer. This semester is very different from all of the others so far. It’s true that each semester is different from the last, but this semester I feel like there is so much expected from me from my professors. I have so many papers and projects that all have deadlines that are way too close to the current date. I guess that just comes with being a senior. Although I feel busier this semester, I also feel more confident than I have in previous semesters. I believe this has to come from the experiences I’ve had over the past year, especially studying abroad. This semester is hard, but I feel like I’m dealing with the stress better.
Recently I’ve discovered what I’d like to do with my life, at least career wise. I want to get into economic policy analysis. I know that probably doesn’t sound too interesting to you, but I find it fascinating. I learned about this economic field this semester through my public policy class, and I’ve become more and more intrigued as the semester has gone on. It incorporates a lot of economic tools and theories that I’m familiar with, but it also allows for analysis on a more human, psychological level. I love economics and psychology and I’ve been looking for a way to combine them and I think this may just be the way to do that. I’ve been meeting with a career counselor to discuss my options for grad school and for getting a job. Considering what to do after my undergrad years is pretty intimidating and nerve wracking, but at the same time I’m excited at the prospect of moving to a new state and getting to know a new campus and town. Or, if I go the job route, I’d get to enter the work force and start building my career. I know at some point I’m going to get my Master’s degree, I’m just not sure if I want to take a year off and just work or try to get the degree while I work. Still figuring that out. But I’m excited at all of the future prospects, and that makes things easier.
My public policy class is not the only class that is changing the way I look at things. I’m also taking a high level German class that is focused on analyzing German literature, and although it’s above my level of comprehension, I still learn and engage in the class. The professor for that class is very understanding and is working to make sure that everyone in the class is getting something out of it, even though there is such a wide range of skill levels between all of us. Seriously…we have people in that class who have lived in Germany for a good part of their lives and are fluent in the language, and then you have people like me who can only keep up a casual conversation in German. I’m not only learning German in that class, but I’m also learning how to let go of my perfectionist side and let myself slide a little on the assignments, which, if you know me, is a big change. I’m starting to wonder, though, if I’ll ever use this language outside of academia. Maybe Spanish would be more useful. Maybe.
This semester I have a job on campus working in the undergraduate student services department in the business school. I’m the personal assistant to the study abroad coordinator for the business school, who is an awesome person and a blast to work with. There is a lot going on in that department, though, and it gets pretty hectic at times. But I love working there, and I’m glad that I was given the opportunity to work on campus. It gives me a chance to take my mind off all of the homework and projects I have and just focus on other things for a few hours.
During this fall I made it my goal to try and balance my academic and social lives better. In the past I’ve felt like I put my social life second to my academic life, and that lead to me staying in on some weekends and just working on assignments, or not enjoying a night with friends unless I had accomplished a certain amount of work. But this semester I’ve been forcing myself to take breaks, both on the weekends and during the weekdays, and the world hasn’t ended…so far. I feel better about myself when I know that I have the chance to hang out with friends and just chill once in a while. One thing I have taken away from this whole college experience thing is that life will always be a balancing act. Try as you might, you can’t be everywhere at once, so you have to make decisions about how much time to spend doing something, or which friend to hang out with and when. Sometimes you’ll accidentally piss somebody off because they feel like you’re slighting them, or you won’t be able to finish a project as soon as you’d like. But you have to try to maintain a balance or else you’ll just teeter and fall. So far I’m working the balancing act, although the dark clouds surrounding all of my projects that are due next month are threatening to change that.

Just gotta hang in there ‘til Thanksgiving break. A month and five days to go.

Taking a step back

Every once in a while I hit a point where I'm forced to reflect on where I am right in the moment. This point came to me recently, as I've been working through a head cold for the past couple of days. The other day I was feeling too tired to do anything, but then my thoughts went to the homework I could be doing and the time that I'd waste by not at least trying to do something. I'm one of those people who tries to do every assignment in every class as best as I possibly can. And that's where my point of reflection hit me: I realized how draining that is, and not just because I was sick. I want to do well in my classes, but does that mean I have to make an A in each of them? What if that's not possible? What if I feel like I need to put more time into one of my economics classes and less time into, say, my German class? I'm still dealing with this conviction that if I don't get A's in my classes it means I didn't work hard enough. I'm trying to change that, trying to change how I feel about grades and GPA's and things of that nature. Grades are just a number that is assigned to your work based on how well you did at one point in time. That time could have been confounded by any number of variables...but that's not taken into account. They don't consider whether you had a really tough semester and just couldn't put in as much study time into a certain final exam. They don't consider the fact that some people just aren't good test takers. You get a grade, and that's that. I'd like to change the way I look at my own grades and the the feelings of self worth that I tie into them. It's hard to, though, when so many things depend on how well you do in college. Scholarships, internships, jobs. I don't want to focus on school so much that I don't give enough time to my friends and other people I hold dear. Maybe I'm blowing this a little out of proportion, but it's still something that I'd like to change.
Yeah, so....that's all for now.

I have finally found the time to write on this blog. Senior year is only two weeks old and it's already keeping me extremely busy. I've been wanting to write for weeks now and just haven't had the time. So...

I've decided that my posts don't always have to be these really thought out entries that I meditate on for a while before I write them. I just don't have the time for that anymore. Now if I feel like I need to post something I'm just going to post it...however it comes out. I figure that's the only way it'll get done.

The ending to this summer was semisweet. In August I went on a great trip to the mountains with my sweetheart, and also traveled to Charleston, SC with my best friend. Then at the end of August my great grandmother passed away. This was the first time that a death in the family had taken someone close to me, and it has taken me a while to deal with that. My family and I traveled up to Ohio for a few days to visit family and attend the funeral, and then the day after we got back I moved into my apartment at UNCG. It's been a crazy two weeks since then, but I'm feeling on top of my game...for now. My class syllabi are predicting a good many papers and projects in my future, and I'm wondering how I'm going to handle those when I feel like I'm thoroughly spent at the end of each day already. But hey, that's what college is all about, right? Completing a tremendous amount of work in a limited amount of time.

My psychology classes have been getting interesting as of late. The two that I took over the summer, plus the one that I'm taking now, are helping me to see how many things influence the actions of people and how people respond to certain situations. This is causing me to re-evaluate how I interact with people and what I think of someone that I don't know that well. I'm trying to apply the things that I learn in the classroom to my everyday life, and I think this is a good way to do that.

Enter: Week 3.